Reading Time: 12 Minutes

Are you anxious about seeing your friends getting married and still being single?

You can date scientifically based on Logan Ury’s advice in the book How to Not Die Alone.

Logan Urry is the Director of Relationship Science at dating app Hinge.

I read the book and curated the information for you and me. So, that’s my credentials for writing this article.
And that title is theatrical for sure.

Impressions

• How to Not Die Alone gives an excellent overview of finding love, breaking up, and maintaining love. The book’s relationship advice is suitable for dating apps and meeting people at events.
• The language of the book feels like reading a long-form blog post article. The titles of the sections are very relatable, trendy-worded, and easy to read.
• Logan Ury made social and relationship psychology very easy to understand. She also cites many famous studies to show cognitive biases and phenomena to help her reader be aware of those biases.
• However, the book does not go in-depth on frameworks for good communication skills and figuring out your attachment. Other research can be done if you are interested in finding out your attachment style and developing communication skills.

Main Takeaways

• We do not know what we want in a relationship until we experience things.
• Shared hobbies, similar personality traits, money, and physical appearance are not factors that matter that much in a relationship.
• Factors that truly matter in a relationship are loyalty, kindness, emotional stability, a growth mindset, and good communication skills.
• We can fall into the status quo bias and not leave a relationship or want to start a relationship.
• Because of the negative bias and fundamental attribution error, always go on a second date.

Why is Dating so hard in the 21st century?

We are Our Decisions

• One of the most critical decisions in our life is who to get married to?
• The Internet has opened up many possibilities, whereas you were born into a family in the past, and not many choices were left.

Too many options

There were many options when online dating became a thing, and we were paralyzed. Psychologist Barry Schwarts calls this paradox of choice.

We want certainty

Great relationships are built, not discovered. But our minds are often stuck in a trap, thinking that by combing through hundreds of options, we’ll be closer to knowing whether the one in front of us is “right.”

Logan Ury

Social Comparison

• There are internet celebrity couples everywhere. They have commodified their life for you to view. However, we compare our relationship or single status to theirs.
• This challenge is accurate for males because males tend to have fewer social connections than females to share their doubts and fears about dating.

No relationship role models

• The divorce rate skyrocketed in the 1970s and 1980s. As a result, around 50% of marriages end with a divorce or separation.
• It’s easier to believe long-term relationships are possible when you have seen a healthy one.
• Internet relationship models do not count because they only show the shiny side of the relationship. We do not know how healthy couples resolve arguments and satisfy each other’s needs.

First, identify what type of dater you are.

The Romanticizer.

• This type of person wants to find their soul mate and live happily ever after. You believe in destiny.
• The reality is that real love takes time to cultivate.

The Maximizer.

• This type of person can fall into analysis paralysis by exploring all their options and trying every date they encounter. You want your decision to be suitable for you. You do not want to settle.
• The reality is that you want to be a satisficer, meaning that they have standards but are not too worried about another better option out there.

The Hesitator.

This type of person thinks they are not ready and have high expectations for themselves.

• The reality is you can never be ready to date. However, you can slowly get yourself to confirm your new identity.

1. Make a deadline to take action
2. Tell others you are committing
3. Commit to your new identity
4. Start small with dating.
5. Be compassionate with yourself

Problems with Dating Apps?

We do not know what we want.
Has this happened to you too? When you go on a date from a dating app, the person guides you to a different conclusion. Dating apps are designed to influence the choices we make for dating. The truth is your environment matters. Our options are determined by how many are presented to us.

The apps also promote relationship shopping, where you can explore your potential.

Your expectations of the dating profile do not match the actual date because we tend to fill in the gaps of what we do not see.

Dating apps filter superficial traits, such as physical appearance, interests, and what school you go to. The apps do not measure the compatibility factors that truly matter in a relationship. The fundamental characteristics that matter in a relationship are challenging to measure.

How to Date on Dating Apps?

Change Your Filter.

Your preferences might have changed since you joined the dating app. For example, you can change the app settings’ age range, location, and religion.

Change How you Swipe.

Don’t judge people with stereotypes when you swipe. You will slowly figure out what you like based on your experience rather than thought experiments.

Your Profile is significant.

Be open to the fact that someone may be far more attractive in person than a profile suggests.

And here are some tips for you to select a good profile photo.

• Select great photos, but real ones.
• Don’t make people guess how you look. Profiles photos that are unclear or have sunglasses covering you up to receive 90% fewer features with the picture filter functions.
• Selfies don’t do good, too, especially bathroom selfies.
• Write a thoughtful profile
• Present yourself accurately

When you chat on dating apps…?

• To spark conversation, be specific about your interests and preferences.
  • Don’t tell me you like to cook; describe your signature dish and what makes your Vietnamese soup pho-nominal.
• Stay in touch, but not stare at your screen for hours a day.
  • Still, on a busy day, try to set aside time to respond to dating app messages if you are serious about it.
• Focus on what you like, not what you don’t.
  • Make friends first, sales second.
• Cut to the chase. This means getting to the actual date faster.
  • When you text, don’t try to play hard to get.
  • If you maintain an ongoing conversation with someone, they will likely go on a date with you.

“I’m enjoying this conversation. Want to continue it over a walk on Sunday afternoon?”

Example from the book

Meeting people in Real Life.

• Use the Event Decision Matrix to decide whether you want to get to an event or not.
  • Likely to interact with other people
  • Likely I will enjoy this event.
  • Unlikely to interact with other people
  • doubtful I will enjoy this event,
• Ideally, go alone so that you can talk to someone. If you find someone to go with you, bring someone who would like to invest in your dating success.
• And you cannot just go to the event. Don’t be a friendship starfish, where you just lay there and think people will come to find you. You have actually to meet people.

How to behave on your dates?

Do you know that love at first sight rarely exists? Most relationships are built slowly.

The first date is evaluative but not a job interview.

Here are things you can do better for your date

1. Shift your mindset with a pre-date ritual.
2. Choose the time and place of the date with thought
3. Opt for a creative activity to show your values.
4. Show your work
5. Play
6. Skip the small talk
7. Be interested, not interesting. Don’t talk about yourself all the time.
8. Limit phone use.
9. End on a high note.
10. Use the Post-Date Eight to Shift to an experiential mindset. You want to go on a second date for the negativity bias and fundamental attribution error.
    • The negativity bias is an instinct to meditate on what goes wrong.
    • The fundamental attribution error is your tendency to believe someone’s actions reflect who they are rather than circumstance.

When you come back home, you can think about things like: Is this person good enough? How do I feel about this person?

Factors for a Long Loving Relationship

• Emotional stability
• The personality that brings the best out of you.
• Loyalty and Kindness
• Growth mindset.
  • This means that they think effort matters when it comes to complex problems.
  • And they are more likely to embrace challenges and compassionately talk to themselves.
• Good Communication and Skills to fight well.
  • This means having the ability to manage disagreements.
  • Most relationships have perceptual problems.
  • Those problems have to deal with their character and habits, such as different opinions and hobbies. For example, a partner prefers to stay indoors, while the other wants to go out.
  • There will always be a set of unsolvable problems in a relationship.
• Ability to make an active decision together

How to Maintain a Relationship?

1. Define your relationship. This means that you make the official agreement of “we are together.” It may be awkward for you to bring it up, but it is essential. You want your expectations to match with reality.

2. What about moving in together? There is a two side argument about this. First, moving in together allows two people to see if their lifestyle habits fit together. Still, those people tend to be laxer about relationships and can have a higher likelihood to divorce after the marriage.

The other side of the argument says that moving in together makes it more challenging, to be honest with yourself about the quality of the relationship because the cost of separating goes up significantly.
So it is really up to your call on moving together. You can start by identifying your fears and reasons to want to live together.

4. Understand your Attachment style. It is a mental model of understanding how people interact in relationships. Thre are four types: securely attached, anxiously attached, avoidant attached, and disorganized (anxious-avoidant) attach. Understanding your attachment style can better understand your emotional needs, communication habits, neediness or avoidance, and behavioral patterns in an intimate relationship.
The book briefly covers attachment styles.

5. Intentional Love and the Relationship Contract.

• Suppose you are very serious about your relationship. In that case, you can continue to cultivate your relationship by understanding your and your partner’s love languages, rituals, preference for alone time, how you manage stress, and arguments.
• Here’s a link to Logan Ury’s Love Contract.

How to decide if you want to get married?

Like where you want to live, who you get married to is a big question. Be active with your decisions. Don’t let life passively decide for you—the books into a series of authentic questions on what to consider before getting married. Let’s be clear here; we live in real life, not shooting a rom-com movie for entertainment.

First, answer the questions about yourself.

• Is your partner a lifelong partner?
• When your day is busy, do you want to talk to your partner?
• How is the communication going?
• Do you guys share similar values?
• Do you see yourself growing with your partner?
• Do you admire them?
• Consider what your communication style is.

Then, answer the questions about your relationship.

• Are two of you willing to grow together and handle conflicts?
• Of course, go over the financial situations and long-term financial plans for the future.
• Where you want to live is also another big question.
• And how would you like to split the house chores and child care?

Break up?

1. Record the reasons for wanting the breakup
2. Make a plan of how you want to propose this.
3. Create a social accountability system with a friend. The purpose of the system is to make sure that you follow up with your breakup plan.
4. Have the conversation, but don’t have sex. You don’t want your body to be in fight or flight mode because you cannot listen and think clearly.
5. Make a quick post-break-up plan for yourself. This prevents you from falling into the ruminating black hole. Select locations where you want to go after your breakup.
6. Create a Breakup Contract with your ex. Someone who actively chooses in a decision will be more likely to follow through with t. Here is a link to the breakup contract.
7. Change your habits to avoid backsliding. Set up a list for my breakup text support. The list will have two columns.
8. Don’t be the Nice Breakup Person, who calls and says happy birthday.

Have the courage to assume responsibility for the damage you’ve done in their life, without trying to make it all better immediately.

They may see you as the devil for a while. Just live with that. I see a lot of people wanting always to be the nice person, even while doing something that’s going to be really difficult for the person

Alain de Botton

My thoughts and Actions

• I better not slide with my love life. Due to the pandemic, I have not been actively searching for someone in the past two years. Hopefully, I can put some of her actionable tips into actual action instead of just staying in a theory stage and never using those tips.
• More on Logan Ury.
  • Ali Abdaal’s Deep Dive